My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
