just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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