my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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