I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
