Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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