Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
