My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize