I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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