My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize