why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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