Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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