hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
