you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
