i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
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