made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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