The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
