just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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