The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
