im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
My cat gives me a boner
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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