you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
