I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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