He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
