My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
