I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
time to smoke my breakfast
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
