they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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