last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
