She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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