GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
