I didn't shave. On purpose
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
