i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
