Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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