I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
