There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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