My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
