ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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