I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
