Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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