Midget sex pt 2 tonight
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
