I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
