All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
