Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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