i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My liver just had a heart attack.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
