He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
