end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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