Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
