Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
