I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
