Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
