I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
