the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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