I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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