I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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