The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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