if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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