she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
