There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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