I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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