Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
