I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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